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Friday, April 20, 2007

Start the bans NOW! STOP THE INSANITY! And could someone pass the Tobasco Sauce, please?

My friends, I have decided that I am going to jump on the bandwagon here, early, a few days ahead of what I had planned on in making any kind of commentary whatsoever after the Virginia Tech shootings.

I'm stepping up to the plate (think baseball here, not the dinner table) and joining in in promoting the beginnings of immediate bannings, thanks to the wise words of a commenter on our site who goes by the handle DigitalTraveler. Without his inspired wisdom I wouldn't have seen the light that should have been so clear to me all along. To those of you over at RadioActive Liberty, I'm sorry, guys, but we're going to have to start with the source of your battle cry; bacon has got to go. Bacon has killed so many, many people through the years, sitting there in the meat section of the local grocery store, so unassuming looking as you pass by and peruse the different brands and cures. It has caused untold heartache in it's silent but deadly overuse and abuse. Heart disease and high blood pressure, oh the sadness that this evil product causes.

In fact, let's ban all pork. That's the answer. We have to remove pork from the hands of Americans before it causes more harm, more pain, more grief.

But wait.

We don't eat pork by itself, do we? A LOT of pork is consumed at breakfast, and so are a lot of...EGGS! YES! EGGS are evil, TOO. Full of cholesterol, usually SALTED to improve their taste...wait, SALT? SALT?!? HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! We've got to get rid of salt, too.

Wow, I'm starting to feel really GOOD now, knowing that I'm serving my fellow man and pointing out how we need to BAN the evil salt, bacon, and eggs in order to SAVE humanity.

But wait. What about the utensils? One doesn't NORMALLY eat eggs with their fingers, right?

OH MY GOD we have to ban forks. Yes, forks have GOT to go. We can no longer sit idly by and allow forks to murder us. Something has to be done. Congress MUST be made aware of the clear and present danger that forks present to us on a daily basis. I wonder how many people a DAY across this country are killed by random acts of eating involving the use of forks. Why did you know that they even make plastic forks that can't be detected by metal detectors? THIS HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED.

I KNOW! We can ask Rosie O'Donnell to be our poster-girl on why utensils MUST BE BANNED!! Every cause NEEDS a celebrity behind it, right? We can get Rosie to tell us ALL about how forks, knives, and spoons have turned her into the hate filled, fallacy speaking, drivelling idiot she is today.

We must be cautious, however; the other side is SURE to bring out heavy hitters like Emeril Legasi, Alton Brown, and, steady men, steady...Rachel Ray. She in particular would be a DEVESTATING distraction to the men in our movement...


I have a prediction to make at this point, regarding what I've said so far. In reading this, Conservatives are going to be laughing their asses off at the supreme ridiculousness of what I just said (um, other than that about Rachel Ray, insert wolf whistle here, and Rosie O'Donnell, insert gagging noise here), Liberals are going to be pissed as hell and think, rightfully, that they're being mocked for their lack of logic and thinking.

I'm going to save further comment on the gun side of the Virginia Tech story for now; I honestly hope that in reading this posting it will make EVERYONE stop for a moment and think how inappropriate it is to debate gun control YET AGAIN so soon after this tragedy. Those of you who follow our blogsite here know full and well that I'm a very firm Constitutionalist and a member of the NRA. Nuff said there. My hope is that people will see that there is a time and a place for every discussion and examination; right now is a time for trying to heal. We already know who is responsible, we're beginning to understand why. Guns aren't the why, mental stability is.

Remember the families of those who lost loved ones at Virginia Tech, keep them in your hearts, keep them in your prayers.

And to those of you over at RadioActive Liberty, all I have left to say to YOU, compadres, is BACON!

Once and Always, an American Fighting Man